BOYS TOWN, NEBRASKA - Pittsburgh Steelers first round draft pick Santonio Holmes voluntarily admitted himself to Boys Town today, hoping that the firm but gentle hand of Father Edward J. Flanagan will steer him towards a more productive life. Holmes has been arrested twice since he was drafted, most recently two Sundays ago when he was charged with domestic violence and assault.

Cherubic Father Flanagan spoke to reporters at the Boys Town Campus, nestled in the middle of Nebraska but bearing a striking resemblance to the old MGM backlot in Culver City, California. He said he was confident that Holmes would reform his ne'er-do well ways. "There is no such thing as a bad boy," said Flanagan, "there are only boys on the right path and those who've lost their way." When a reporter asked him if there was such a thing as a bad draft pick, Flanagan sighed."Now that's a different story altogether." Holmes is due to report to Boys Town before sundown and is expected to bask in Father Flanagan's radiant glow, as Flanagan explained, "until the scene fades to black."

Father Flanagan said that Holmes would be rooming with Whitey, Duke, Pee-Wee and Butch, four young men recently adjudicated delinquent by local juvenile authorities. "I'm sure Santonio will fit in just fine." Delinquent Whitey Marsh, however, was less sanguine. "If he knows what's good for him, this Holmes fella better not get any ideas, see? I run the show around here, and if he don't like it, I'm liable to give him what's for, got it?" Marsh said he'll probably punch Holmes in the mouth the minute he arrives "to show him who's boss. Then I'll hand him a towel to clean up the blood, and I'll tell him, 'We're gonna get along just fine, you and me.'"

Will Holmes have any scrapes with the law while living at Boys Town? Will he report to Steelers training camp on time? "Those things will all be answered in the final reel," Father Flanagan assured reporters.

Reached at home while packing his bags, Holmes was optimistic."Gosh, I think this is going to be swell," he said. "I can't wait to meet the gang."