PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Police say that the Allegheny River next to PNC Park is overrun this morning with hundreds of bawdy, skinny-dipping females ready to retrieve baseballs hit in tonight's home run derby.
Police Chief Dom Costa issued a statement: "We are urging all of the good corporate citizens of Pittsburgh with offices facing the Allegheny [River] not to look out their windows today until I can personally escort these young ladies onto land or help them into bikinis."
"I want the taxpayers to understand that as their police chief, I am not looking closely at these young, very attractive, nubile females," Chief Costa said. "I am a professional." The Chief reported that by his count, there were exactly 432 women in the water as of 10:00 a.m. today, most of whom were brunettes and, by Costa's estimate, between the ages of 18 and 21. "It's amazing how many of them have piercings," Costa said. "I might add I was unaware, until this morning, of the things they can do with piercings nowadays."
Mayor O'Connor, just out of the hospital for problems related to an ulcer, saw the bodies bobbing in the river and immediately had a heart attack.
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK TO JULY 2006: ALL-STAR GAME HIGH JINKS: RIVER OVERRUN WITH SKINNY-DIPPING FEMALES WAITING TO RETRIEVE BALLS FROM HOME RUN DERBY
MAYOR O'CONNOR HAS HEART ATTACK; POLICE URGE CORPORATE PITTSBURGH NOT TO LOOK OUT OFFICE WINDOWS UNTIL CHIEF COSTA CAN HELP YOUNG WOMEN INTO BIKINIS
