PITTSBURGH - A secret memorandum authored by Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar reveals that Skrinjar intends to maintain the pretense that Mayor Bob O'Connor is alive even if he should succumb before his term is up, and even if it requires Skrinjar "to personally murder, with my bare hands," members of O'Connor's staff, including director of intergovernmental affairs Dennis Regan, as well as O'Connor's wife Judy and O'Connor's son, a Roman Catholic priest, to keep the Mayor's death quiet. The memorandum details at great length and with gruesome and sadistic particulars the methods Skrinjar plans to use to eliminate each of the "potential obstacles."
The memorandum, entitled "Preservation of Mayoral Staff Positions in the Event of Mayor's Demise," sets forth a bold plan that would have Skrinjar "postpone" any announcement of the Mayor's death, and his funeral, until just after the Mayor's second term would have ended if he had survived, in 2014. It explains: "Such a postponement would have the salutary effect of preserving well-paying staff positions at the executive level, including that of the Mayoral spokesman, thus engendering much-needed stability in the governance of Pittsburgh."
The memorandum proceeds to outline a complicated procedure for accomplishing the grand ruse. "The Mayoral spokesman [Skrinjar] will, on a daily basis, create the impression in the media that the Mayor is diligently performing the duties of his office while working from the hospital. The spokesman will attribute direct quotes to the Mayor and, on occasion, advise the media that the Mayor paid a visit to his office in the City-County Building the previous night to sign papers and accomplish other necessary tasks."
The final portion of the memorandum is the most shocking. It first notes that the chief obstacle to carrying out Skrinjar's plan likely would be the Mayor's son, a Catholic priest. "Unfortunately, [the son] likely will not appreciate the beneficial utility to be served by this plan," the memorandum notes. "In that circumstance, we would have no choice but to remove the obstacle in whatever manner necessary." Others may also have to be "removed to allow this worthy plan to develop to full fruition." Over the next 16 pages, the memorandum proceeds to detail the ways the murders would be carried out with almost unspeakable sadism. (Further description of the horrifying contents of those pages would serve no legitimate journalistic purpose. -- Editor.)
When Skrinjar was confronted with the memorandum, he insisted it was a joke."Haven't we all written memos pretending we were going to murder a group of people, and described how we supposedly planned to go about it, just for a laugh? I'll bet every person in this room has done that, and probably multiple times. If that memo were serious, I'd be some kind of monster." Skrinjar awkwardly cleared his throat and proceeded to launch into his daily briefing and explained that Mayor O'Connor is diligently performing the duties of his office while working from the hospital, and that the Mayor paid a visit to his office in the City-County Building last night to sign papers and accomplish other necessary tasks.