PITTSBURGH - Former Secretary of State and Presidential candidate General Alexander Haig interrupted a press conference this morning by mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar to assure citizens that, despite Mayor O’Connor’s debilitating struggle with cancer, the city was in good hands. Skrinjar was discussing a little known codicil in the city charter, approved in a referendum nearly two decades ago, that changes the order of succession to the Mayor’s office. “And so, it appears that Mr. Ravenstahl is not next in line to succeed the Mayor,” said Skrinjar. “In the event Mayor O’Connor dies in office, the city will be in the hands of the evangelical preacher standing on the corner of Fifth and Smithfield.” Just then, Haig entered the room through a side door and walked briskly to the microphone. Pushing Skrinjar aside, Haig clutched the podium with both hands and addressed reporters. “Constitutionally, gentlemen, you have the Mayor, the Acting Deputy Mayor, and me, in that order. Should the Mayor decide he wants to transfer the helm to Mr. Zober, he will do so. As for now, I’m in control here, in the City-County Building, pending the return of the Mayor, and in close touch with him. I would check with him if something came up, of course.” When a security guard attempted to intervene, General Haig dispatched the man with a series of quick judo chops to the chest and throat. Following his remarks, Haig offered to take a few questions, but warned “that he would be unable to get into specifics” about the Mayor’s health, or his own mental state. After several minutes of awkward silence, Haig left the podium.
Skrinjar returned to the microphone and “thanked the General for his years of devoted service to our country, and his continued willingness to inject volatility and instability into a public crisis in pursuit of his own grandiose ambition.”
