PITTSBURGH - Gubernatorial candidate Lynn Swann made a stop in Pittsburgh today to learn what issues are of concern to Pittsburghers, or if there aren't any, to invent some. Swann sat on a bench in Market Square eating an apple next to supporter State Senator Jane Orie. "Jane, all I need is an opening," Swann said, taking a bite. "You remember the pitch. What can I use? What's new around here?"
Orie shrugged her shoulders and couldn't think of anything. "Well, Duquesne Light's got a new sign," she said facetiously.
"Now, Jane," Swann scolded her with his eyes, "I need some ideas, if I'm going to get your town out of the serious trouble it's in."
"Pittsburgh's not in any trouble," Orie said innocently.
"Then we're gonna have to create some," Swann winked. "Must create a desperate need in your town for a governor who's a conservative, black, ex-football-star."
Just then an IGT slot machine truck lumbered into the Square and parked nearby. A crowd gathered around it. Swann was puzzled. "Why is that crowd so interested in that slot machine truck? They must have seen a slot machine before," Swann said.
"Not in Pittsburgh. Just pinball and video games," Orie replied.
Swann put his hand to his head, a brainstorm brewing, then he snapped his fingers as if he'd solved a riddle. "That'll do it." He sprang to his feet and raced to the bandstand, motioning the passersby in the Square to gather around. Then he launched into what can best be described as a ragtime-era rap:
Ya got trouble, my friends, right here, I say, trouble right here in three rivers city . . .
Swann worked the crowd into a frenzy, excoriating Governor Rendell's gaming legislation by painting a dire picture of the terrible effects it will have on Pittsburgh's youth:
All week long your three rivers youth'll be fritterin',
Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, chore-time too!
Putting quarter after quarter in the slots --
Never mind about getting dandelions pulled or the screendoor patched or the beefsteak pounded,
Never mind pumpin' any water till their parents are caught with their cistern empty on a Saturday night!
And that's trouble! We got lots and lots of trouble!
Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "G" and that stands for gaming!
By now the crowd had become an angry mob ready to flip the IGT truck on its side. Just then, a Wells Fargo rolled down Forbes Avenue and eased its way into the middle of the Square. The back door of the truck swung open to reveal none other than a smiling Governor Ed Rendell, who immediately began handing out things to the stunned crowd: money, all manner of grants and government programs, even band instruments. It was largesse on a scale never before seen in Market Square. At least two of the Square's regular beggars fainted. In a matter of seconds the crowd had gone from angry to incredulous to gleeful, and they forgot all about Swann.
Watching from the bandstand, Swann methodically packed up his suitcase in a manner suggesting he was accustomed to this result. "Rendell's such a con artist," he said to Orie. "Let's head out to Latrobe. I hear they just lost their brewery so this ought to be a perfect time for me to explain what terrible trouble they're in."
