PITTSBURGH - Mayor Bob O'Connor yesterday said he was stunned to discover that Pittsburgh has a $15 million surplus because former Mayor Tom Murphy stashed it away in a mayonnaise jar hidden in a desk drawer. "It was the damnest thing," said O'Connor. "I pried open the drawer and there's this mayonnaise jar. I was about to toss it because the stuff looked moldy, and frankly I'm a mustard kind-of-guy anyway. But then I saw what it was, and I was like, 'Whoa, that's money!'"
Murphy's former secretary, Velveeta Zappala-Lugosi, revealed that Murphy told her about the jar as he was being forcibly removed from his office the day O'Connor was sworn in. "He whispered in my ear, 'Don't let that damn John Murray and the Oversight Board get their hands on the mayonnaise jar.'"
O'Connor said he realizes he has a grave responsibility to the taxpayers to spend the new-found money prudently. "After much thought, I've decided that I'm going to gather the entire city work force into the atrium of the City-County Building, then I'm going to climb a ladder -- and scatter the bills throughout the crowd. Heck, I've got to start thinking about getting reelected, don't I?"
