PITTSBURGH - Militant Islamist Osama bin Laden reportedly was buried beneath half-a-million cubic yards of stone and dirt in Wednesday's landslide on Route 65 at Kilbuck Township, according to Allegheny County officials speaking on condition of anonymity. While rumors circulate the globe that bin Laden died of typhoid somewhere in remote Afghanistan, Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato told this news source that "the 'leaked' French intelligence document reporting bin Laden's death was just another in the long line of international skullduggery by none other than Wal-Mart," the principal tenant in the shopping plaza where the landlide occurred. (Onorato asked that his name not be attributed to this story, and this news source assured him it would not.) The Carbolic Smoke Ball has learned bin Laden was spotted repeatedly over the past three months in the area near the landslide, and information received from the Allegheny County Sheriff's office confirms that he has been living in caves that run into the hills above Ohio River Boulevard. Bin Laden and various aides have been seen on an almost daily basis photographing and scoping out police activity on Ohio River Boulevard. County officials initially feared that bin Laden was plotting a terrorist attack on the region, but eventually ruled that out.
Onorato explained: "Our investigation determined that bin Laden was, in fact, interested in stealing the one technology for which Ohio River Boulevard is world famous: its highly sophisticated, always accurate VASCAR technology for measuring the speed of moving objects." Ohio River Boulevard is the site of frequent VASCAR speed traps and the attendant arrest of Sewickley residents speeding from downtown in their BMW's and Range Rovers. "Apparently [bin Laden] planned to implement this technology upon his return to Afghanistan as part of his nefarious war on freedom," said Onorato. An English translation of a journal found in bin Laden's cave shows the detail he employed in studying the technology: "July 1-22: Of 311 incidences, VASCAR most commonly utilized to stop expensive cars fleeing North Side following third inning of Pirate home games." The same journal shows that bin Laden planned to rename the technology "VasCamel" upon his return to the Middle East.
But before County sheriffs could arrest bin Laden, Wal-Mart interceded. Wal-Mart's own surveillance independently learned of bin Laden's presence on the land that the retail behemoth anticipates will be its next big-box cash cow. According to Onorato, Wal-Mart officials resorted to a common company tactic for dealing with chronic trespassers: a perfectly executed landslide of 500,000 to 600,000 cubic yards of stone and dirt. One high-ranking Wal-Mart official confided to this news source that the retailer did not care about the identity of the trespasser: "This was precisely the same tactic Wal-Mart used to eliminate another chronic trespasser many years ago: Jimmy Hoffa. I'd say this one [that killed bin Laden] turned out to be one of corporate America's most clever attacks, next to Head-On ads." Wal-Mart concocted the rumor that bin Laden died of typhoid fever in the Middle East.
While efforts continue to reopen Route 65 to civilian traffic, CIA and Homeland Security officials were seen this weekend aiding with recovery efforts. Officials from both agencies claimed their involvement was due to their loyalty to Wal-Mart and, as on CIA agent put it, "the American Way." But this news source has learned they were making certain that the body of Osama bin Laden remains buried forever in the lower level of what ultimately will be Wal-Mart's Garden Center.
