PITTSBURGH - Judge Rufus Peckham announced yesterday that after hard-fought negotiations The Carbolic Smoke Ball has reached agreement with Block Communications to purchase the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for an undisclosed amount. Peckham made the announcement at a surprise news conference late in the day, flanked by his new editor-in-chief, Post-Gazette writing guru Peter Leo. Peckham guaranteed the Post-Gazette's 14 unions representing 954 full-time and 172 part-time employees that no layoffs will occur on his watch. He explained: "The paper will be able to reap tremendous savings by eliminating all travel expenses incurred by reporters since it is just as easy for reporters to fabricate news stories from their desks as anywhere else." Peckham continued: "It's a well-known fact that [TV Editor] Rob Owen has never been in Hollywood, although he feigns going there every year. He will be our model."
The Judge explained that the paper will undergo major improvements. "The Steelers will now have Section 'A' all to themselves, starting on page 2 , immediately after the full-page color photograph of me." Two-thirds of the staff will be reassigned to cover the Steelers. "For example, I will call upon [columnist] Tony Norman to utilize his incredible vocabulary to ferret out racism in the NFL in a manner so erudite that it won't offend our vast redneck audience because they won't understand it," the Judge said. "Just as I have never understood anything he's written."
Bob Smizik will now write about subjects of general interest. "Nothing sells papers better than Bob's contrarian approach. I already have a topic for him: 'What was so bad about Hitler, anyway?'"
The Judge said that the business section will be much reduced. "It will shrink and shrink and shrink until it doesn't exist at all, much like the economy in Western Pennsylvania."
Moreover, the Judge said that Marilynn Uricchio's SEEN column will have a new look. "Each week, I'm sending Marylynn and a photographer into the girls' locker room of one of our institutions of higher learning. Finally, the SEEN column will be something worth being SEEN in." He added: "And I am taking a photography class."
At the end of his news conference, the Judge off-handedly noted that Brian O'Neill would no longer be a columnist for the paper. "He's going to be my manager." The Judge started to leave the room but perplexed reporters stopped him and asked him to explain. "Oh, you see, I also bought the Pirates this morning, and I named Brian the manager. But since we no longer will be reporting on the Pirates, no one will ever know that."
