PITTSBURGH - In a move expected to save the city tens of millions of dollars a year, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced today that Pittsburgh will no longer offer its employees the generous health benefits it has provided for decades. Instead, the city is going to "a different kind of managed health care plan; namely, the first aid kit in the city cafeteria."
Ravenstahl said that the high cost of health care was "killing" the city because employees were running to the doctor "even for preventive medicine."
The new plan will adequately service the vast majority of maladies, he explained. "We have bandages, headache medications and pills for stomach aches." The mayor said the new health plan will render treatment more accessible than ever. "No more waiting to get in to see your physician. Now, just open the first aid kit and reach for the cure."