WELL-KNOWN ICON CUTS OFF COFFEE EXPORTS TO U.S.; U.S. COFFEE DRINKERS CALL FOR INVASION
BOGOTA, Colombia - In the midst of President Bush's visit, Colombia's favorite son, beloved coffee pitchman Juan Valdez seized control of the Colombian government and ousted democratically elected president Alvaro Uribe Velez last night in a military coup sparked by a wave of discontent among Colombia's half-million coffee growers, El Campesinos.
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said that as soon as President Bush learned of the coup, he "cut and ran the hell out of there."
Valdez immediately named his popular sidekick mule, Conchita, as Vice President.
In Valdez's first address to the nation, the former spokesman for the National Federation of Coffee Growers of Colombia shocked U.S. officials by announcing he is cutting off all exports of Colombian coffee to the United States, a move denounced by President Bush as an act of terrorism.
In the wake of Valdez's action, President Bush announced that the U.S. government would release hundreds of tons of stockpiled caffeine to ease the pending crisis. Meanwhile, Starbucks Coffee announced it was jacking up the price of its House Blend "Tall" to $12 per cup, causing seventeen U.S. Senators to jointly demand hearings on coffee price gouging.
Coffee drinkers across America, both liberal and conservative, joined together in protests calling for U.S. troops to be sent to Colombia. At a rally in New York City, New York Times columnist and coffee drinker Maureen Dowd called for the military "to take back the coffee fields at whatever cost, even if it means slaughtering innocent Colombians."