ExxonMobil CEO Moe Howard accused of price, eye gouging

WASHINGTON - While a Congressional subcommittee prepares to launch a new round of hearings into alleged price gouging by major oil companies, six and as many as ten Senators plan to lodge formal complaints with law enforcement authorities accusing ExxonMobil CEO Moe Howard of battering them.

"[Howard] punched me in the stomach," said Senator Hillary Clinton, who met Howard in a New York restaurant to see if they could iron out their differences on the price gouging issue. "And it made a sound like a bass drum," she added.

Senator Patrick Leahy likewise claims that he has sores on his face from being "repeatedly slapped" by Howard. "He poked me in the eyes," said Leahy.

Senator Barack Obama claims that Howard "forcibly yanked chunks of hair" from his head.

President Bush disputed the Senators' claims as "exaggerations." Bush said he holds Howard "in the highest esteem, I admire his great intellect and compassion for others." Moreover, Bush said he has never seen Howard perpetrate any acts of violence. "I mean, we're not talking about Dick Cheney here," he smirked. Bush conceded that Howard is "very tough" on the two men "who seem to accompany him everywhere" he goes. "And don't let him near a pie," Bush cautioned. "His aim is deadly."