PITTSBURGH - A man claiming to be Vice-President Dick Cheney pulled a woman over just off the Perrysville Exit on Interstate 279 yesterday and asked her to join him for an evening of "intense discussions on the future of Iraq and intercourse."
Mary O'Neill, 34, was heading towards Cranberry in the right lane when a black sedan pulled into the passing lane beside her with a portable flashing light atop it. "At that point, the driver began beeping his horn repeatedly and motioned for me to wind down my window," said Ms. O'Neill. "Then I saw him put what appeared to be a bullhorn to his mouth and he said, 'This is theVice-President of the United States of America. Please pull off to the side of the road.' Well, naturally, when the Vice-President asks you to do that, you do."
Ms. O'Neill put her car in park, and the driver of the sedan approached her. "I've been following you all night," he said. "Please don't cut and run. In the interest of national security, I'd like you to join me at an undisclosed location. I have a weapon of mass destruction in my trousers. Hans Blix couldn't find it; the French couldn't find it. Only you can find it. And when you do, I will fill you with shock and awe. Best of all, I will set no timetable for withdrawal."
The man then offered Ms. O'Neill a no-bid contract on love.
Ms. O'Neill said she became skeptical of the man's claim to be the Vice-President when it dawned on her that a high-ranking government official probably would not be driving his own car, so she sped away to the Ross Police Department.
The suspect is a black male in his mid-twenties, medium build, with two gold teeth. Anyone with information is asked to contact the Ross Police.