PITTSBURGH - Twenty-year old Russian hockey star Evgeni Malkin signed a three season contract with the Pittsburgh Penguins today at an annual salary of $984,200. But Malkin, who doesn't speak English, didn't understand a word of the document he executed. Immediately after the signing ceremony at Mellon Arena, it became apparent that Malkin misunderstood what he had signed as he started barking orders to Sidney Crosby and other Pens. Pat Brisson, one of Malkin's agents, candidly told this news source that "the only way to lure [Malkin] from Russia to Pittsburgh was to convince him that [Pittsburgh's] City Council wanted him to serve as Mayor." The death of Mayor Bob O'Connor last Friday gave Brisson the perfect opening. Brisson explained: "At first, Evgeni was skeptical because he couldn't believe Pittsburgh would ever appoint as Mayor someone so young, inexperienced and totally lacking in qualifications, but I convinced him that's how things are done in Pittsburgh."
Malkin quickly picked up a few words of English. As he strode through the Pens' locker room he pointed to several messy lockers and shouted, "Redd up! Redd up!"
