PITTSBURGH - Facing his first real crisis in office, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl will address the nervous residents of Pittsburgh with a televised city-wide address tonight asking people to remain calm in the face of two consecutive Steelers defeats. Mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar, meeting with reporters, said the Mayor and his cabinet had been in closed door sessions immediately following Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger’s game-ending interception that sealed the Bengal victory yesterday afternoon."At the conclusion of the game, the Mayor issued an executive order sealing off all bridges from pedestrian traffic in an attempt to reduce the number of jumpers," said Skrinjar. The bridges remain closed this morning. A temporary phone bank has been set up in the lobby of the City-County Building to offer grief counseling for distraught fans. In an effort to eliminate suicide by hanging, members of the police department are going door-to-door in all city neighborhoods confiscating ropes, neckties, bandanas, belts, scarves and shoelaces.
Skrinjar also announced that Mayor Ravenstahl has ordered the city’s General Services Department to release one million capsules of Prozac from the city’s Strategic Prozac Reserve for citywide distribution. The Strategic Prozac Reserve was established following the Steelers defeat in the 1994 AFC Championship game. "These are the times that try men’s souls," said Skrinjar.
