WASHINGTON, D.C. - The newest film in the popular Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is being blamed for hundreds of "copycat" chainsaw massacres across the country over the past week.The film, "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning," was released last Friday. Within seventy-two hours, over three hundred people, in cities from Bangor, Maine, to Spokane were dismembered at the hands of impressionable, deranged, movie lovers.
The director of the film, Jonathan Liebesman, said he was "shocked and appalled" by the actions of "a murderous few." Liebesman, through a publicist, later clarified his remarks. "I was shocked," he said. "But after some reflection, I have concluded that I was not appalled."
Liebesman offered his sympathy, and promised to honor the victims by using their severed limbs as extras in a sequel, tentatively entitled "Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Middle."
Meanwhile, in the nation's capitol, Democrats are calling for increased restrictions on chainsaw purchases. "We've got to rid our society of the scourge of chainsaw related violence," said Representative Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi has introduced legislation requiring a forty-eight hour cooling off period, coupled with background checks, for anyone seeking to purchase a chainsaw.
Predictably, Republicans objected. "If we outlaw chainsaws," said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, "only outlaws will have chainsaws."
Hastert assailed Pelosi for her "blatant assault on the Constitutional right of all citizens to own, and enjoy, power tools. Chainsaws don't kill people," said Hastert. "Homicidal maniacs wielding chainsaws kill people."
