PITTSBURGH - Mayor Ravenstahl has named R.M. Renfield, a recent escapee from the Bedlam Lunatic Asylum, as Director of General Services.Dr. Van Helsing, director of patient services at the Bedlam Asylum, hailed the news. "I’ve said it many times. The proper place for the deranged in our society is not on the streets," said Van Helsing. "It’s on the city payroll."
Ravenstahl made the announcement at a news conference held this morning. The Mayor said he hoped the hiring of Renfield would help remove the stigma associated with people adjudicated criminally insane. "Children of the night!" he began, before correcting himself. "I mean, ladies and gentlemen of the press, I have a sign on my desk that says 'you don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.' In that spirit, I give you Director Renfield." Ravenstahl then ushered the newest member of his administration to the podium.
Overcome with emotion, Renfield could muster only a few words. "Master! Master!" he shouted, before emitting a low, guttural whine. Ravenstahl quickly directed Renfield to an exit. "Director Renfield has pledged his absolute obedience to me," said the Mayor. "And may I add the people of this city are going to love the work this vile wretch is going to perform, particularly in the area of pest removal."
Mayor Ravenstahl said Renfield planned to begin an ambitious program of cockroach extermination. "Director Renfield will personally supervise their removal," said the Mayor. He added, "I am confident Pittsburgh will be entirely bug free within days."
