"THIS IS OUR KATRINA"PITTSBURGH - A somber Mayor Luke Ravenstahl took to the airwaves at nine-o’clock last night to offer words of reassurance to a city teetering on the brink of emotional collapse. Ravenstahl’s emergency address was prompted by the Steelers loss to the Oakland Raiders, putting their playoff hopes in jeopardy.
With the Steelers trailing at halftime, Ravenstahl summoned an emergency meeting of his cabinet by taking to the roof of the City-County Building and shining the Steelers signal into the night sky. Minutes after the game concluded, Ravenstahl began receiving reports from commanders in the field of mass weeping, teeth gnashing, and garment rending. "When River Rescue called and told him we had jumpers, he knew he had to do something," said mayoral spokesman Dick Skrinjar. Ravenstahl’s five-minute address, drawing on classical themes of death, loss and renewal, was replete with references to Greek philosophy, Romantic poetry, and Vince Lombardi. "I would give anything not to be sitting here tonight speaking to you under these circumstances," said Ravenstahl. "All is lost. All is lost," he said, his familiar monotone cracking with emotion. "This is our Katrina," said the Mayor, referring to the hurricane that devastated New Orleans.
Ravenstahl said he would ask President Bush to declare Pittsburgh an emotional disaster area, thereby releasing millions of dollars in Federal funds that come with such a designation. "People could use that money for kleenex, sedatives, or liquor," said the Mayor. He then announced a three-day period of civic mourning. All city offices, as well as city schools, will be closed until Thursday. Garbage pick-up will be suspended until Friday. All flags will be lowered to half-staff until kick-off next Sunday.
