PITTSBURGH - Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober confirmed that Mayor Luke Ravenstahl underwent a "charisma augmentation" procedure from a crack team of physicians at an undisclosed UPMC facility early this morning.
The procedure was performed shortly after Ravenstahl had complained of feeling "dull, and ordinary" and speaking in a monotone while addressing local labor leaders. Ravenstahl, whose campaign dossier lists his favorite colors as "brown, tan, and beige," and claims his favorite beverage is "a tall glass of tap water served at room temperature," is expected to be released sometime over the next seventy-two hours.
Zober provided details of the procedure: "I want to stress to all of you this was strictly augmentation, not implants," he said. "The mayor was merely enhancing the great and natural charisma he already possessed." Asked about details of the operation, Zober said the prognosis was good. "The doctors are confident they have removed all of the monotone from Mr. Ravenstahl’s vocal cords, and that the procedure was a complete success," said Zober. "However," he added, "we won’t be sure until we see how audiences react to the mayor's stump speech the next time he hits the campaign trail. If they start dozing off again, we might be in trouble."