PHILADELPHIA - Italian-American Senator Rick Santorum, who lost a grueling re-election fight to the flamboyant Robert Casey on Tuesday, announced that he would return to his job in a local meat-packing plant. Sources close to the Senator said he will spend most of his time training for a sequel. The Senator also said he would consider resuming his part-time job as a debt collector for a small-time hoodlum to make ends meet. "At this point, I've got eight mouths to feed, along with my turtles Cuff and Link. I've got to keep my options open." Santorum made the announcement after ascending to the top of the steps at the Museum of Art. He was flanked by his crusty, but lovable campaign manager Mickey and his mousy, devoted wife Adrian.
"My whole life has been a million to one shot," declared Santorum to a crowd of delirious Italian-American supporters who followed him during a final campaign swing through a crowded market, joining him on the Museum steps. "This entire journey has been a process of intense personal discovery," he said. "For instance, I discovered, after my poll numbers failed to improve during the late stages of the campaign, that I was Italian." The Senator said he regretted not attempting to exploit his ethnicity sooner. "If only I had known about it," he said.
