WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, bedeviled for five years by his administration's inability to capture Osama bin Laden using ordinary intelligence methods, announced that the United States has retained Captain Quint of Amity Island, Massachusetts to catch him, at a cost of $10,000. Captain Quint got the job by making a surprise appearance at a recent White House cabinet meeting, slipping past dozens of White House guards without notice. He sat in the back of the room and waited until a heated argument erupted over the best method to establish order in the Middle East. Then he slid his fingernails down a conveniently located blackboard, causing discomfort to each of the department heads but gaining their undivided attention.
"Y'all know me," he said, his head panning around the room. "You know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya,but it ain't gonna be easy." Every eye zoomed in on Quint for a tight close-up. "Bad fish." he continued. "It's not like going down to pond chasin' bluegills or tommy-cods." He cautioned the President that "it's not gonna be pleasant, and it's not gonn be cheap. You gotta make up your minds. Gonna stay alive and ante up? Or ya wanna play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."
The President, who has insisted on keeping the nation's beaches open while bin Laden is at large, said he has total faith in Captain Quint's ability to capture him but confided in an aide that perhaps Quint needs a bigger boat.
