"Pittsburgh's new disaster early warning system will blare siren ten minutes before the start of every Pirates game."
"Mayor Ravenstahl wants to build second arena next to original to simulate beautiful woman from the air."
"Pirates name George Romero new GM because of his proven track record for raising the dead."
"Miniature Railroad and Village to leave town unless city builds it new miniature sports facility."
"Pens retire Mario's athletic supporter, raise jock to rafters before home opener."
"Heinz scoreboard malfunctions, douses fans with 6,000 gallons of scalding ketchup."
And many more.