JIMMY HOFFA FOUND IN MCKEESPORT CONVENIENCE STORE, CLAIMS HE WAS HELD HOSTAGE BY SCHOOL SECURITY GUARDPITTSBURGH - Former Teamsters President Jimmy Hoffa, who has been missing since July 30, 1975, was found in a McKeesport convenience store this morning, the apparent victim of a kidnapping by a middle school security guard. Law enforcement officials remanded Mr. Hoffa to the custody of AFL-CIO President John Sweeney, who pronounced himself “ecstatic” that “we’ve got our Jimmy back.” Speaking to reporters from his suite at the Westin William Penn, Mr. Sweeney said that Mr. Hoffa told Joseph Sparico of JJ’s Deli Mart that he had been held captive by former Cornell Middle School security guard Thomas Hose. This morning, however, he decided “after thirty years in the laundry room, it’s time to go home.”
Hoffa claimed he was brainwashed by Mr. Hose, a svengali-like figure who lives with his elderly parents. “Every time I said I thought I should be getting back to the office, he told me I was crazy. He told me they weren’t even looking for me anymore, and that nobody loved me except him. And former President Nixon, of course,” said Hoffa, before bursting into tears and excusing himself. Mr. Hose is suspected of keeping twenty-four year old Tanya Kach in an upstairs bedroom for the past ten years, but Mr. Hoffa told Mr. Sweeney he never saw her. “He said he had his own problems. Many times when Mr. Hose’s mother did the wash, he had to stand still for hours while she hung her unmentionables on his arms to dry.” Mr. Sweeney said that hearing Mr. Hose’s name or being reminded of his three decades as a psychological prisoner in the Hose house can trigger mood swings in Mr. Hoffa. “One minute he’s plotting to return to power, the next minute he’s sobbing uncontrollably.”Police refuse to confirm reports that they have uncovered evidence showing that famed aviator Amelia Earhart also was a prisoner in the Hose home for a time before her death several years ago.
