STANISLAUS COUNTY, Calif. - In a bizarre murder plot, 50-year-old Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne is facing attempted homicide charges after unleashing a swarm of White, Anglo-Saxon Protestants on her husband, Noah Swayne, as he was preparing to enter his vehicle after work.
According to the police report, "the elitists traveled cross-country by yacht from Newport, Rhode Island and planned to have the would-be victim succumb to the superiority of their old money influence before they beat him with polo mallets." Their plot failed, according to Police Chief Adam Kidd, "as their small talk about prep schools in New England deteriorated into a lively debate about the best place for a summer home – the Hamptons or -- the Hamptons." The debate lasted long enough for Swayne to slip away without harm.
Telephone calls to Swayne were not returned, but one witness, a fellow employee saw the entire incident. “At first, I wasn’t sure they were WASPs – there’re not many left, you know,” explained Bradleys Roadhouse. “But, then I saw the tailor-made suits and heard one of the speaking kind of uppity. I knew to take cover. I didn’t want to get hit over the head with a Forbes Magazine or something.”
Police blame the plot, in part, on the popularity of the Sopranos, a televisions show that portrays the violent ways of another ethnic group and are fearful of other groups, such as the WASPs, sprouting up "to cause harm."