TRANSLATION INTO ENGLISH BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHA
HOLLYWOOD - The Carbolic Smoke Ball once again calls upon our teen film critics, K.C. Jorgensen and her boyfriend, and brother, Lars Jorgensen, to review the Oscar contenders. We flew them from Sweden to our Hollywood offices so they could give this report.
K.C.: This Queen is a person we didn't know about beforehand so, of course, we were appalled by her wealth, her riches, utterly appalled.
LARS: Appalled because she's really old.
K.C.: That's not why we were appalled, [expletive deleted]. From what we can gather, this Queen is still alive. Lars and I discussed it afterward. We felt bad that she lost her ex-daughter-in-law, even though this Queen only felt bad because everybody liked the daughter-in-law and not her. But we think this Queen should give all her riches to the proletariat.
LARS: Yah . . . and her husband's a real vagina, too.
[K.C. slaps LARS across the chest]
LARS: That hurt!
[K.C. kisses LARS on the lips]
K.C.: "Babel" showed us that we are all different, yet all connected.
LARS: That is profound, K.C. And the naked Japanese chick was really hot!
[K.C. slaps LARS on the chest]
K.C.: But we learned a lot from this picture; for example, did you know that Mexicans drink to excess . . .
LARS: Yah, I want to be Mexican!
K.C.: And we learned that you should never give a rifle to someone in the Middle East, because it might be used to shoot up a bus with Westerners, which is bad.
LARS: The whole movie was bad, if you ask me. Except for the Japanese girl, because she showed everything.
K.C.: Leonardo plays a bad boy who's really a good boy. He's really hot, and I'd like to get to know him if he's reading this.
K.C.: The point of the movie was . . . well, I don't know what the point of the movie was. It was all killing and bad language.
LARS: Yeah, this was my favorite of the five.
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
K.C.: The whole film is in English subtitles, so I felt like I was in a f****** library instead of a theater.
LARS: They, like, dug tunnels to hide from the Americans, and even though they ran out of food etc., they were always clean-shaven.
K.C.: I wonder if they shaved their chests.
LARS: The point was that the Japanese were good, and the Americans were good. It was the war that was bad.
K.C.: [wipes tears from eyes] That was beautiful, Lars.
LARS: Only that naked Japanese chick from the other film should have been in this one, too.
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
K.C.: A light-hearted romp across America with quirky liberal characters that don't ring true, and the point was that you should do whatever you want in life.
LARS: Yah, it seemed like it was fun, but it really wasn't. And you shouldn't just do what you want in life, anyway.
K.C.: That's right [she puts her on Lars' crotch]