PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - The Inner Circle of the Groundhog Club met over the weekend and voted not to invite Vice President Cheney to return to future Groundhog Day ceremonies following Friday's disastrous events. This year's Groundhog Day festivities were marred when Cheney, honorary master of ceremonies, inexplicably shot Punxsutawney Phil in the face as he emerged from his den. The Vice President then fled into nearby woods, and the wounded groundhog was transported to a local animal hospital where he was treated for minor injuries. In an attempt to salvage the event, organizers quickly recruited legendary Pittsburgh weatherman Joe DeNardo to serve as the groundhog's stand-in. However, as DeNardo emerged from the groundhog's den, a shot was fired from the woods, creating pandemonium in the already shaken crowd. Secret Service agents ran toward the area where the shot emanated and were able to wrestle a shotgun from the Vice President as he was drawing a bead to take another shot at the terrified DeNardo.
Asked if he had seen his shadow, an obviously shaken DeNardo replied, "That dark blotch on the ground wasn't a shadow. That was my urine."
