WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush held a rare news conference to address the growing controversy over the firing of eight U.S. Attorneys. Members of congress are eager to have Bush aids Carl Rove and Harriet Meyers testify under oath regarding their involvement. The White House is willing to allow their testimony but only under strict conditions.

First, they can talk to senators, but not under any form of oath, including "pinky swear" and "cross-my-heart" type oaths. Second, any testimony must be in an undisclosed "level three" location. Level Three is defined by the Executive Branch as "Bat Cave, Fortress of Solitude, Playboy Mansion or equivalent." Third, any testimony must be under the terms of "Double Secret Probation" as defined in what President Bush refers to as "the celluloid yardstick by which all other films are measured," Animal House. And fourth, any testimony must be one on one, mano-a-mano, one senator, one witness, facing off in the Cone of Silence (pictured above). The White House says that these conditions are not negotiable.