Virginia State lawmakers have retained Ben Kowalski, a/k/a Mr. Kowalski, longtime phys ed teacher at Thomas Jefferson High School in Alexandria, to enforce Virginia's new law requiring that the vulgar faux bull testicles that hang from countless trailer hitches of pickups trolling the state's highways wear athletic supporters. The law was designed to shield children from witnessing indecent vehicular ornamentation. Animals are still permitted to wander about with their genitalia exposed.
Sporting the same crew cut he has worn for 55 years, Mr. Kowalski went straight to work on a group of truckers whose hitches displayed the dangling vulgarities at the Flying J truck stop ten miles north of Mount Vernon.
"Alright, men," he shouted, "gather 'round. When I'm talking, you are not, or you will give me 50 laps around this parking lot."
The men looked at each other in disbelief.
"I am Mr. Kowalski," he continued at the top of his lungs, oblivious to their reaction. "What I say goes. You will shower after every shift, and your trucks will wear jocks from now on. Without a jock, your rigs will not be permitted in my gym, or on the roads of the State of Virginia."
The truckers looked at each other and snickered.
"Now get down and give my 25," he barked. The truckers turned away and resumed the discussion they were having before the legendary teacher arrived. The trademark vein in Mr. Kowalski's neck appeared ready to burst.
"That's detention for the whole group," he yelled. He turned abruptly and stormed away, giving a good kick to Elmer Swayne's fake bull testicles for good measure. All the men cringed.
Swayne, 31, later told a reporter that he and his colleagues meant no disrespect to Mr. Kowalski, but he defended his coarse truck ornament as "a manly expression of rural chic." Swayne asked a reporter to insure his next quote was taken down verbatim: "The solution to free speech we don't like is more free speech, and from that cacophony of chatter in the marketplace of ideas, the truth will make itself heard. Did you get that?"
