WASHINGTON, D.C. - The National Registry of Political Parties (NRPP) issued a report today declaring the elusive Pittsburgh Republican an endangered species. The study was commissioned by the Harding School of Government, with additional funding from the Hillman Foundation. Speaking to reporters on the steps of the William Howard Taft Fitness Center , Republican National Chairman Ken Mehlman said he was troubled by the findings.
“It is imperative for the preservation of the party that we find a suitable pair of young Pittsburgh Republicans and get them together for breeding purposes,” said Mehlman. “I’m sure I can authorize the disbursement of funds from our national budget to get them a room at The Duquesne Club, and a few back issues of National Review to put them in the mood.”
Mr. Mehlman said keeping members of the same party and opposite sex in captivity is not uncommon. “The Whigs have been doing it for over a hundred and fifty-years. They were on the verge of extinction after the Harrison election, but they’re coming back. I think I saw one along the banks of the Potomac the other day.”
Mr. Mehlman’s observation has not been verified, because NRPP regulations specify that at least three independent sightings must be made before a member of a political party thought to be extinct can be considered alive. Those regulations went into effect after the so-called “Great Yippie Hoax of 1996.”
