WASHINGTON, D.C. - Special counsel Patrick Fitzgerald said he has uncovered evidence that former Vice Presidential aide I. Scooter Libby revealed the true identity of Batman to Chicago Sun-Times columnist Robert Novak in early July of 2003. Mr. Novak published the information in a July 14, 2003 column. Revealing the true identity of a superhero is a violation of the Federal Secret Identity Act of 1947.
In his column, Mr. Novak disclosed that millionaire playboy and man-about-town Bruce Wayne, is, in fact, Batman. Novak’s revelation caused a furor in the business and philanthropic community, where Mr. Wayne is known as a tireless campaigner for good. When approached by reporters outside of his residence, stately Wayne Manor, shortly after Novak’s column was published, Mr. Wayne was in a sour mood. “I guess that’s it, fellows,” he said. “There’s no point in doing battle with arch criminals anymore, especially if everybody knows who I am.”
Mr. Wayne also said the shock of Mr. Novak’s column sent an elderly house guest, Harriet Grayson, into cardiac arrest. “Not even a whiff of Bat-Awake is doing any good at this point.” Mr. Wayne would not reveal if he had given Mrs. Grayson, known affectionately as Aunt Harriet, the universal Bat Antidote.
According to Mr. Fitzgerald, Mr. Libby leaked information about Mr. Wayne’s alter ego to Mr. Novak as political payback for Batman’s harsh criticism of the Bush administration’s prosecution of the war in Iraq. Mr. Fitzgerald said Mr. Libby’s “reckless actions have compromised the effectiveness of Batman as a crimefighter, and, in the process, have jeopardized the health and safety of good citizens everywhere.” Mr. Fitzgerald said he would seek the death penalty.