NEW YORK --- Conservative author and speaker Ann Coulter charged today that United Parcel Service is bringing a secret liberal agenda to the mundane world of package delivery.
For years, UPS has tried to maximize efficiency with computer-assisted sorting and tracking. Now the company has designed detailed routes for drivers that have them avoid delays and potential accidents by making right turns whenever possible. Their mapping system is so good that ninety percent of all turns go right.
To Coulter, that is not enough. “They still go left ten percent of the time,” she said in a spit-flying rant. “That’s hundreds of thousands of left-leaning biases every year. And I bet a lot of the packages they deliver go to the homes of liberals.”
“I have no idea what’s she talking about," said local UPS driver Steve Dolin. “Nobody really talks politics with me when I bring a package. People usually aren’t at home, so I just leave my packages at the door. When I go to an office, most people just want to talk about their crazy bosses when I ask how they’re doing. And, geez, our corporate color is brown. That’s like, neutral.”
“Brown can stand for only one thing,” Coulter shot back, “and that’s Jerry Brown -- the most liberal former governor of the most liberal state in the United States. Obviously UPS has some sort of hidden agenda to promote his political views. It all fits together once you start thinking about it.”
Coulter then announced that she will no longer send or accept packages through UPS. To driver Dolin, that’s a relief. “We’ve had six guys on her route quit because of the stress. She started screaming at them if they so much as carried a box in their left hand. Who needs that when there are so many nice people on other routes? I almost feel bad for the FedEx guys who’ll have to pick up the slack, but not that bad.”
