ROYAL MARINE BASE CHIVENOR, ENGLAND - Iran's surprise release of fifteen British sailors it claimed were captured in Iranian waters has ended the tense diplomatic standoff. Arriving in England the sailors described their 13-day ordeal where they were held without tea or crumpets. The sailors said they were only given food that they couldn't pronounce and were appalled by the quality of the place settings and lack of linen napkins. "It was absolute hell," said sailor Simon Massey. "The TV had no remote, the magazines were a week old and you've seen how they dress . . . ."

Even though the British denied that their vessel had violated Iranian waters, sailor Kaye Tunney told reporters, "In the future we will only encroach in the waters of civilized countries like Jamaica, Switzerland or Canada."