LOCAL WOMAN FIRST REPORTED CASE OF DEATH BY "NEW CAR SMELL"

GRINDSTONE - The Fayette County Health Department has reported that Bertha Marie Tuckwacker, 97, has died after a extremely brief skirmish with "new car smell" poisoning.

"New car smell" toxicity was discovered in 1993 when two 16-year-old boys in Los Angeles were found passed out in a brand new sports car given to one of the teens as a birthday gift.

Fortunately, both were resuscitated, but when no traces of drugs were found inside the vehicle or on their persons, DEA agents were called in to investigate. "The fact that their blood alcohol levels exceeded .30 was inconsequential in this case," an agent disclosed.

Samples from the vehicles' interior were turned over to a crime lab, which discovered that contaminants in the dust from the interior windshield matched elevated levels of those doctors said were found in the boys' bloodstream, which entered through the act of inhalation.

It was reported that Mrs. Tuckwacker, a two-pack-a-day smoker who suffered from gout, chronic respiratory disease, heart disease, liver disease, diabetes, psoriasis, perpetual dry eye and a host of other ailments -- and had only one kidney -- was actually a passenger in the automobile.

Her grandson, Harvey Berryberry of Normalville, who escorted her in his 2007 model pick-up truck for some "Saturday grocery shopping" told authorities he had just purchased the vehicle three days prior.

Berryberry could be charged in the case, but no one is certain of what yet.

Trooper Emelio McBluff of the Uniontown State Police said the incident was tragic, and suspects foul play. "You think that it's just kids out there trying to get a cheap high these days, but it's hard for someone of any age to resist the allure of 'new car smell.' You get that first whiff and then you can't get enough. And sometimes, all it takes is that first whiff to kill you. First thing we do when we get a new patrol car is to open all the windows for a few hours. We don't want any of our boys getting hooked, either."

McBluff said that "auto-tripping" is becoming an increasing problem, as car dealerships across the country have reported a sharp rise in "test drives" without people actually buying the vehicle. "A big tip-off salespersons should be aware of is when they offer to crack a window and the 'potential buyer' insists not to because he or she is very cold," said McBluff.

"This drug, if you will, has no barriers. We've found plenty of rich white people passed out in their new BMWs," he added.

Automobile manufacturers have been aware of the dangers of "new car smell" for years, but this is the first documented case where a coroner has listed "new car smell" as cause on a death certificate.

"With climate control in automobiles these days, you really never have a reason to open your window," according to Heinrich Eyebrau, a top engineer on the safety committee of a major automobile corporation, "so we've begun affixing warning labels on every single vehicle that comes out of our factories. If you're going to get sick or die from auto emissions, we most certainly want it to be from the emissions your car is spewing on the outside, not the inside."

A spokesperson for a United States chapter of environmental group associated with the color "green" said that they, too, are well aware of the dangers of "new car smell."

"We've tabled many of our global warming issues to address this growing problem," he said. "The second we heard that people transporting potted plants from Home Depot were arriving home with dead plants, we were all over this thing. We just can't worry about China right now. Not when we've got spider plants keeling all over the place."

"This all could have been stopped if her grandson had just opened a damned window," said McBluff. "Instead, he watched her and did nothing, which gives us reason to believe he was getting high too -- probably turned her onto the stuff -- a family thing, you know? We see a lot of that in this area."

Mrs. Tuckwacker is preceded in death by her husband, Earl, who died in 1978 in a bizarre gardening accident, and is survived by 12 children, 58 grandchildren, 23 great-grandchildren and 12 great-great-grandchildren.