PITT SIGNS BARGIN “FREE AGENT” FOR FALL SEMESTER

University Expects More Free Agents In Future

PITTSBURGH -- When Stewart Sutin leaves Community College of Allegheny County as its president later this year, he will move across town to the University of Pittsburgh and oversee a new center on community college leadership.

Pitt’s signing of Sutin comes somewhat as a surprise following the no-confidence vote he received from the CCAC faculty in 2006, but it’s another sign of a growing trend in college faculty recruitment.

“Sure [Dr. Sutin] is a little bruised,” explained Dr. Noah Swayne, Director of Faculty Procurement. “That’s what made him such a bargain. Besides, he’s serviceable and has a few good years left in him, or so we’ve been told.”

With many universities seeing their budgets reduced as expenses grow, they’re looking for ways to stretch the few dollars that are left. They are discovering that high profile has-beens can be hired at less cost than little-known but pricey scholars. "When you get down to it," said one college administrator who asked not to be named, "it really doesn't matter what the new hire knows so long as they're cheap and well-known."

This attitude appears to be widespread in academia. Last month, it was rumored that Penn State was looking to make former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld the director of its ROTC program, but Rumsfeld took a position as head of the Salvation Army instead. Some law schools are already lining up to hire Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should he resign in the coming weeks. Said one law school dean, “Having Gonzales on the faculty will give us the sort of cachet we’ve been looking for. Of course, we think he's a louse, but he's a well-known louse who is damaged goods, so we can probably get him for cheap.”

Swayne called this hiring practice “innovative” and bristled when he was called Pitt’s Director of Scouting. “I have a five PhD’s,” he said. “This is academia. What do you think we are? The Pittsburgh Pirates.”