CHURCHILL DOWNS - Queen Elizabeth II, daughter of a Cockney chimney sweep who ascended to the throne under the careful tutelage of Professor Henry Higgins, let loose a stream of profanity at the conclusion of Saturday's Kentucky Derby.
Following her outburst, a number of ladies in attendance, watching the race through special viewing glasses, fainted. A spokesman for the Queen blamed the rash of faintings on the weight of the enormous oversized hats the victims were wearing.
"The Royal Doctor has assured us that the compression of that type of headgear on the skulls of such dainty women for extended periods of time can cause momentary loss of oxygen to the brain, resulting in loss of consciousness."
Professor Higgins disagreed. "Eliza, I mean, Elizabeth was responsible. The sheer force of her obscenities tore the elbow patches off my tweed jacket!" Higgins lamented the fact that all of his hard work to turn an uneducated guttersnipe into a lady was undone in a matter of seconds. "But, in retrospect, perhaps I should have shut her off after the sixth mint julep."
Higgins said despite his anger at the Queen for embarrassing him on Saturday, he looked forward to seeing her again. "I’ve grown accustomed to her face." For the moment, the Professor said he had other plans. "I’m taking the first plane home to England, and I’m going to find Colonel Pickering. And then, I’m going to strangle him with my bare hands."