WASHINGTON - Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip filmed a special public service announcement today with Joey Vento, the owner of Geno's Philly Cheese Steaks, to support the "English only" policy Vento champions. Vento was the center of a maelstrom last year when he posted a sign at his famous fast-food restaurant saying: "This is America, please order In English."
As soon as the Royals arrived at the television studio where the announcement was to be filmed, Vento yelled, "Hey! There you both are!" and hugged the Queen. The Queen was visibly startled by the faux pax and pushed Vento away. Within minutes, the cameras were rolling.
Vento, reading from cue cards in a stiff and unconvincing manner, yelled, "Yo, Queen, jeet yet?"
"No, Joey," said the Queen, doing her best to imitate a Philadelphia accent. "Jew?"
Vento put his arm around Philip. "Well, next time yous two are in Philly, I ain't lettin' yous two stop at no Ack-a-me to grab your dinner; yous two are both gonna be my guest at Geno's, where it's all English, all the time."
Then the camera closed in on the Queen. "Well, Joey, it's my pleasure, because Great Britain salutes your efforts to promote uniformity in speech as a positive means of finding a common cultural ground in the vast melting pot that is America."
A perplexed look shot across Vento's face, and it was clear he was no longer acting. "Vast what-ing pot? Alright, turn off the cameras," he yelled. Then he glared at the Queen. "I get it, this is a joke, right? Here we're doin' a commercial about 'English-only' and you're puttin' me on, speakin' some other language."
Prince Philip calmed Vento down. "Look here, old man, Her Majesty is quite serious," he said. The director intervened, and it was decided that the Queen's final lines would be filmed from a studio in London. As the Royals hurried into their car, Philip said, "That man scares the bejeebers out of me. I don't care what language he speaks."
