JUNEAU – For the first time, a state has obtained a Protection from Abuse Order against someone who is stalking it. A court in Alaska entered the order yesterday against Oakmont, Pennsylvania resident Ryan Camuso, whose name is being withheld in accordance with the policy of this news source. Camuso is producer of the popular Morning Show on WDVE-FM.“We had to do something about this lunatic,” explained Alaska Governor Bill “King Salmon” Ambrose, “He was stalking us, harassing us – it was getting scary. We weren’t sure what he’d pull next.”
A source who attended the state’s closed-door hearing said Camuso was “out of control, always wearing Alaska t-shirts and hats, hounding complete strangers to visit the state, claiming he’s the Alaskan ambassador, you know, nutty stuff that people in Pennsylvania just don't do.”
The breaking point came last week when Pittsburgh police were called to a local AAA office because Camuso leaped over the customer service counter after being advised the office was temporarily out of Alaska maps. Witnesses say Camuso shook a customer representative by the neck and screamed at the top of his lungs, “I want that map!” A search of Camuso’s car revealed a pie dish containing baked Alaska lying atop a fully loaded pistol. Hundreds of Alaska maps and brochures were strewn about the front seat. A shaken Governor Ambrose said news of Camuso’s breakdown “sent a shiver from Kodiak to Prudhoe Bay – and I mean a shiver beyond the usual ones we get up here.”
Under the court order, Camuso cannot say the word “Alaska,” much less visit the state, for ten years. Trips to Canada are also out. “Too close for comfort,” the Governor explained.
The state is also making an attempt to rehabilitate Camuso by requiring him to vacation on a Caribbean island of his own choosing at least annually. Camuso’s wife, Lynsie, drafted the order.
