PITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Pirates have ordered their announcers to describe the entire third inning of Saturday night’s home game against the Washington Nationals by pantomime.
“I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO DO IT, BUT I WILL,” said play-by-play man Greg Brown. “I’VE HEARD THEY WANT TO COVER MY MOUTH WITH DUCT TAPE TO MAKE SURE I DON’T SLIP, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT WILL BE NECESSARY.”
Color man Bob Walk, who is being feted with his own “bobble-head” night, didn’t think fulfilling the club’s directive was going to be a problem. “I spend most of my time in the booth shaking my head, clenching my fist, gritting my teeth, or waving my hands in disgust at what I’m observing, so I’ve had some practice.”
In other Pirate news, principal owner Bob Nutting Jr. also instructed employees of PNC Par k to install a temporary restraining device on every seat. A spokesman for Mr. Nutting, A. Flack, denied the moves were made in response to the much-discussed fan boycott scheduled for this Saturday night. “Mr. Nutting has decided he’s going to deposit bags filled with poisonous vipers and a Bengal tiger or two in the concourse at the conclusion of the second inning Saturday,” said Flack. “I suppose you’re going to say that’s in response to the boycott, too.”