PIRATES SIGN CADAVER FROM CARNEGIE SCIENCE CENTER EXHIBITION

"JUST FROM THE LOOK OF HIM, WE CAN TELL HE HAS GREAT SPEED," SAID DAVE LITTLEFIELD, "AND HE'S IN BETTER SHAPE THAN ANYONE ON THE ROSTER. BEST OF ALL, WHEN WE MADE OUR OFFER, HE DIDN'T MAKE A COUNTER-DEMAND."