BONDS SPEAKS TO REPORTERS, SELF

SAN FRANCISCO - With reporters present in the San Francisco Giants' locker room, Barry Bonds called himself an "embarrassment," "juicer," and "melon-headed douche bag." Then, his features changed and in a completely different voice he answered himself, "No Barry, you're a superstar." Bonds then convulsed and seemed surprised to see the reporters standing there. He angrily flipped a laundry cart in the locker room and stalked away.