WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush appointed John Shaft, the black private dick and sex machine to all the chicks as his special envoy to the continent of Africa today. Mr. Shaft will meet with U.N. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon in New York tomorrow before flying to Sudan for a series of meetings designed to resolve the refugee crisis in Darfur.
Mr. Bush made the announcement in a Rose Garden ceremony this morning, flanked by Vice President Dick Cheney and Mr. Shaft. “It is time to send the Brother Man to the Mother Land,” said the President. “Although Mr. Shaft will be working under trying conditions, I think we can all agree that John’s a cat who won’t cop out when there’s danger all about.”
Members of the press nodded in agreement. Sensing he had struck a responsive chord, the President shook his head and grinned. “Man, this cat Shaft is a bad mutha.” His off-color remark was quickly interrupted by the Vice President. “Shut your mouth!” Bush appeared surprised by Cheney’s admonishment. He shrugged his shoulders. “I’m just talking about Shaft.”
When asked for details about Shaft’s qualifications for such a high-profile diplomatic position, Bush spoke for several minutes in an attempt to reassure everyone that he had named the right man for the job. “He’s a complicated man, and no one understands him ‘cept his woman,” before adding, “and me.” Following Shaft’s trip to Africa, Shaft will return for Shaft’s Big Score.