BEIJING – In what was considered to be a victory for The Peoples Republic of China, the communist state and it northern neighbor, Mongolia, have resolved their ancient border squabble. Under the terms of the settlement, China will move the Great Wall three feet to the south. Mongolia had wanted China to move the wall fifteen feet.

Simmering for centuries since the Great Wall was built in 300 BC, the disagreement as to the location of their common boarder reached the boiling point recently when China held loud parties on two consecutive weekends, one following a Jimmy Buffet concert. Mongolia complained China’s merrymaking lasted until 5 am and it couldn’t get any sleep.

The settlement between the feuding countries was worked out by the Brentwood Borough Zoning Hearing Board at its meeting last week. The Brentwood Board had been specially appointed by the United Nations to decide the property dispute because of its reputation for expediency. As explained by United Nation spokesman and former Brentwood Councilman Robert Cramner, “They make decisions the same day of the hearing, often within five minutes of the close of testimony. They are the Judge Wapner of Zoning Boards.”

“I wasn’t surprised by the call from [Secretary General] Ban Ki-moon, really,” said Zoning Board Chairman Bob Haas. “I was more surprised that those two big-lug countries waited this long to settle their differences – what was it, two thousand years or something like that? I guess there’s some statute of limitations issue here but I didn’t think of it at the time so it’s too late for that,” Haas chuckled.

Haas said that the Board didn’t give any preferential treatment to the case from Asia. On the night of the hearing, diplomats and international lawyers for both sides had to wait until the Board dispensed with a request for a variance on the height of a fence from a resident on Rockwood Drive.

As is his custom, Haas joked with the parties at the beginning of the case, “Ancient Chinese secret, eh?” he quipped, to muffled chuckles. Haas’ reference to “Rice-A-Roni,” though, fell flat. Then it was all business, as the Board took seven minutes of testimony, asked a couple of questions and reviewed a dozen exhibits, including a piece of the Great Wall itself. At one point, Haas confused the Great Wall with the now-defunct Berlin Wall, but it was only a momentary lapse.

Before the Board concluded its deliberations, which were expected to last at least thirty seconds, attorneys for China and Mongolia announced their clients had reached a settlement. China agreed to move the Great Wall three feet to the south in exchange for Mongolia’s promise not to file a nuisance complaint over the partying. "It always warms my heart anytime neighbors can get together and resolve their problems on their own,” Haas said.