EPIDEMIC OF DRUNKEN ASTRONAUTS STRIKES NASA

CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - America's space agency was shaken Thursday by claims that some astronauts were drunk before space launches. Flight Engineer Otis Campbell was escorted from the launch pad and placed in an unlocked cell prior to several missions. Witnesses say that once Campbell felt he had sobered up enough for spaceflight, he exited the cell on his own and rejoined the crew.

Andy Taylor, head of security for the Kennedy Space Center was reluctant to elaborate,"Awww, don't get your petticoats in a knot, we know how to handle Otis 'round here."