GREEN BAY - Citing rising casualties and declining sales, Good Humor Enterprises will no longer operate its trucks on the streets of Baghdad. Good Humor CEO David Corbett made the announcement yesterday at the company’s headquarters. “This is a sad day for Good Humor, as well as the people of Iraq,” said Corbett. “In fact, it’s a sad day for ice-cream loving peoples all over the world. Our signature bells have tolled for the last time along the banks of the Tigris.”
Nearly two hundred vendors have been killed or wounded while attempting to sell frozen confections on the thoroughfares of that war-torn city since the fall of Saddam Hussein’s government. The latest casualty occurred this past Monday. Michael Loftus, of Lisle, Illinois , a thirty year employee and lifetime consumer of Good Humor products, was killed when he refused to surrender his Eskimo pies to a hungry mob of Sunni insurgents.
The Defense Department awarded Good Humor a fifty-billion dollar contract to become the exclusive ice-cream provider of Operation Iraqi Freedom shortly after the American invasion began. “We tried everything to make this work,” said Corbett. “We changed the music in the trucks from ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ to Olivia Newton John’s ‘Have You Never Been Mellow.’ We had our research and development department develop a tasty Moqtada al-Sadr Bar, which we sold as a Shiite on a Stick. It didn’t matter.”
Despite the tragic loss of life, Corbett is resolute. “Our cause remains a noble one. And our products remain delicious.”