PENGUINS SIGN CROSBY TO $43 MILLION CONTRACT, LEMIEUX TO START CHARGING HIM RENT

SEWICKLEY, Pa. - The Penguins have signed center Sidney Crosby, 19, to a five-year contract extension worth $43 million. Ray Shero, the Penguins executive vice president and general manager, called the deal "exciting news" for the Penguins.

One member of the Penguins' organization, Chairman of the Board and Crosby's landlord Mario Lemieux, did not share Shero's enthusiasm. Lemieux was in a surly mood as he exited the team's offices. Several bystanders said they smelled alcohol on his breath as he brushed past reporters before spinning around to comment about the deal.

"You want a quote?" barked the usually affable Lemieux. "The free ride's over, how's that for a quote?" he said with noticeably slurred speech. Lemieux proceeded to work himself into what one bystander characterized as "a rage," excoriating Crosby with all manner of invective. The ten minute tirade alternated between English and French and was sprinkled with innumerable obscenities.

"This pimple-faced boy that you members of the press insist on calling 'the MVP' is a lazy, no-good freeloader. Go ahead and print that, I dare you, you sons of bitches." Lemieux launched into a laundry list of Crosby's alleged faults, including his inability to awaken before 11:00 a.m., his refusal to pitch in with household chores, and his treatment of members of the Lemieux family as if they were his servants. "If this acne-laden creature wants to act like a f***ing tenant, then that's the way it'll be. Now that he's a millionaire, I am presenting him with this bill for past rent totaling $78,000, and I'll require a rental payment on the first of each month from now on."

Lemieux was asked if rumors are true that he removed Crosby's MVP trophy from the mantel in the family room where Lemieux's three MVP trophies are displayed. "It only holds three," Lemieux said curtly. "His [trophy] couldn't stay up there because the mantel only holds three."

Contacted at the Lemieux home, Crosby had no comment on Lemieux's statement but said, "Tell Mario to bring me up a few more towels, would you?"