LATROBE, Pa. - Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin claims that the United States Department of Justice has given him authorization to use torture as a means of preparing the team for the upcoming season.
Coach Tomlin told reporters that torture will be a key component of training camp, which began Monday. “I asked for, and received, a memo from Attorney General Gonzales outlining the specific circumstances in which a football coach could use torture, and how I would be legally bound by such conduct,” said Tomlin. “In light of the fact that we failed to make the playoffs last season, the Attorney General gave my request expedited review. In short, he told me ‘do whatever you have to do to get back to the post-season.’ And that’s what I intend to do.”
Tomlin’s new approach is a departure from the one used by his predecessor, former Coach Bill Cowher, who repeatedly declared “We do not torture, except when we make you sit through my weekly press conference.” Players and coaches were scheduled to arrive by three o’clock Monday afternoon. Former Abu Ghraib prison guard and dog-handler Lynndie England will arrive by Wednesday. “I’ll be using Lynndie to help players stay awake during meetings, among other things,” said Tomlin. Asked if he would consider having players strip naked and build a human pyramid, the coach said he wouldn’t rule it out. “We’re trying to win a championship. We’re going to do whatever it takes.”