PESHAWAR - After repeatedly failing to find his soul mate on E-Harmony.Com, a frustrated Osama Bin Laden has issued a fatwa against E-Harmony founder Dr. Neil Clark Warren. Mr. Bin Laden announced the fatwa in a videotape broadcast this morning on the al-Jazeera network.
“They promised me this would be an everlasting love,” said an angry Bin Laden. “They haven’t delivered on that promise.” E-Harmony, America ’s most trusted relationship service, has been in business for over seventy-five years. Some of the more notable couples matched through E-Harmony’s patented compatibility matching system are Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, Brittany Spears and Kevin Federline, and Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun.
Joe Dunn, a spokesman for E-Harmony, said Mr. Bin Laden’s answers to some of the questions on his E-Harmony Compatibility Profile have been “sort of a red flag” to prospective mates. “For instance, when asked what he’s looking for in a woman, Mr. Bin Laden replied ‘total subservience, and the ability to keep a clean cave.’ A lot of women see that and think, hey, I don’t know anything about cleaning caves.”
Dunn said Dr. Warren has gone into hiding. “He’s staying at the same place Rushdie stayed when the Ayatollah issued a fatwa against him.” When asked if he meant the Super Eight Motel on Route 8, Dunn raised a finger to his lips. “Shhhh,” he said.