Paterno to institute "La-Z-Boy Offense"

HAPPY VALLEY, Pa. - Veteran Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has indicated he will coach this year from the comfy confines of his favorite recliner, which is being installed in the press box high above Beaver Stadium, along with a mini-bar and 42" plasma TV.

"I froze my ass off for far too long." the 80-year old coach said, in a candid interview. "And now I'm ready to kick back and relax."