STEELER MASCOT LEAVES CAMP OVER CONTRACT DISPUTE; “STEELY’S GOT TO TAKE CARE OF STEELY,” SAYS ANGRY MCBEAM

LATROBE - Pittsburgh Steelers mascot Steely McBeam walked out of training camp last night, apparently upset that negotiations with the club over a new contract have reached an impasse. A note left in his dorm room contained a terse explanation: “Until I receive the money I’m worth, kindly refer to me as The Mascot Formerly Known as Steely McBeam.”

McBeam apparently left immediately following his dinner at the St. Vincent dining hall with President Bush and Afghan president Hamid Karzai. McBeam’s representative, super-agent Thad Gould, confirmed McBeam’s departure. “Steely has always been a team player. But with his current compensation package, Steely is nothing more than a well-paid slave. At this point in his career, Steely’s got to take care of Steely.”

Gould said he had spoken to his client and fully supported his decision. “We’ve done everything possible to let this organization know that Steely wants to remain here. But Steely’s got a family, and he has to think of their long-term financial security.” Gould said he didn’t know when McBeam would return, or who would perform the mascot duties in his absence. “I know Steely was scheduled to fly to the Vatican this morning for an audience with the Pope.” Gould refused to say whether McBeam would meet with Pope Benedict. “My number one concern at this point is getting Steely back in camp, under contract, and feeling good about his situation. Everything else is secondary.”