NEW YORK - The United Nations General Assembly voted to give Steeler Nation a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council yesterday, but rejected the call by Steeler Nation to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against Cleveland before the Browns September 9, 2007, home opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers. Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon made the announcement following the U.N.’s morning meeting. “The scope, size, and strategic importance of Steeler Nation make it imperative that it receives full membership status on the Security Council.” Ki-Moon said he relayed the news to Steeler Nation ambassador Steely McBeam via secure video conference, and that he expected McBeam to play a vital role in helping to shape global security. “Ambassador McBeam was delighted,” said Ki-Moon. “He repeatedly thrust his arms over his head and leaped up and down.”
McBeam’s expressions of glee diminished, however, when the Secretary General told him the Security Council was not the place to seek retribution against rival NFL franchises. “He said his first order of business was to introduce a resolution authorizing the use of tactical nuclear weapons against Cleveland. And then he wanted to know how to use U.N. troops to capture and execute Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis. I told him we didn’t do those sorts of things,” said Ki-Moon. “After he heard that, he buried his head in a yellow towel and began to weep.”
