WEST NEWTON, PA – Agents from the United States Department of Homeland Security have closed the Renaissance Festival, which was scheduled to run through the end of the month.
“We saw what was going on,” explained Barkley Givens, the agent who lead the assault force. “Medieval people wearing military-style clothing, practicing with ancient weapons – it was a Taliban training camp alright.” According to Givens, over 100 jousting knights, jesters, magicians, artists and food vendors were rounded up and transported to the US Navy’s prison at Guantanamo Bay.
Festival performers were stunned by the raid. “When I saw the Blackhawk Helicopters coming over the ridge, I thought to myself ‘they’re really out of place here,’” said Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, a member of the improv comedy group Washing Well Wenches, who was entertaining at the time. “They interrupted me in the middle of my bit on the Battle of Hastings, and that really ticked me off!”
Givens said another goal of the raid was to seize all cash at the ticket gate and from the vendors. “We didn’t want that money lining the pockets of Osama Bin Laden or his evildoing brethren. Call it the 'Royal Collection of Tribute' if you will,” he said with a laugh.